Dealing With Difficult Parents

As a teacher it can be tricky to set firm boundaries when it comes to dealing with difficult parents.

There is always more than one perspective when it comes to challenging conversations. Navigating a parent teacher discussion in a constructive way, can be tricky especially if you have a parent who does not share your approach or views. With the rise of overprotective parenting, teachers face overwhelming scrutiny and pressure from well-intentioned but often misinformed parents.

Parent teacher meetings have become a greater part of the educator role and for the most part, relationships between the two parties are focused on a common goal to educate and accomplish a student’s learning goals. The more open and honest this relationship is, the better a teacher and parent can serve their child’s academic, social and growth needs.

Like any human interaction, communication particularly in an emotional situation can get complicated and conflict can arise. So, what can you do to diffuse a heated situation?

Start with Empathy

Even if you don't agree with what the parent is saying, your first step is always to listen and acknowledge that you understand their concerns. In a society where the element of entitlement exists, parents, grandparents and carers may have a ‘transactional’ mentality where they feel they are paying for tuition so there is a certain expectation of service performance from you and or the school– are you doing enough to help their child?

Instead of escalating into a conflict, show you understand and focus on what can be jointly achieved to address the issue. Within an open dialog where parents are felt heard they will often have suggestions on how to fix the problem, and they can offer incredible insights and understanding to underlying issues.

Remain Neutral

Easier said than done! If you are dealing with a demanding or aggressive parent, try to remain calm and avoid the temptation to respond defensively or patronise. Not always but in some cases, parents are guided by the emotional needs of their child reacting in a way that undermines your integrity. It’s important to remember that the moment will pass and how you choose to react is a choice in the heat of the moment.

What remains is that you are a professional and your aim is to arrive at what’s best for the child within the school environment. Help your parents know what they’re ‘looking at’ and make sense of the learning process. Often when you involve a parent you can create a more inclusive environment where there is a meaningful and constructive engagement.

Be prepared

There are many reasons why these situations escalate. Pressures at home, financial, spousal relationships, beliefs, values etc and from the moment of that first meeting you will feel the mood and tone. Some parents may be anxious, defensive, receptive be aware of these subtle signs and adapt your meeting style to suit the situation. Remember anxious parents are hypersensitive to what you say so keeping accurate records of these meetings is crucial. It is often helpful to separate the person from the problem and document the proceedings from a neutral standpoint.

The real danger zone in dealing with parents is when the discussion become ‘us vs you’. Try and steer clear of any ‘I’ or ‘you’ language and rather keep coming back to the language of ‘we’ – what can we do that is best for the child. This ensures that the student stays at the centre of the conversation and avoids the defensive, justification-cycle that can so easily ensue. Documentation and evidence in these situations are vital in constructing a record of events particularly when emotions run high and there are conflicting views. Be mindful that everyone involved will have their own opinions and it’s ok to not to share the same views.

There is a very big difference between parents who advocate for their child and may not be great communicators and parents who are aggressive, confrontational and seek control. In 2023 The Independent Education Union of Australia conducted a study where 80% of teachers surveyed said they had experienced bullying by parents.

If you find yourself in this situation, seek consultation with your colleague’s and leadership team. Often just having the conversation helps to put difficult situations into perspective or you may need to seek further mediation to resolve any conflict you may be experiencing.

Take care

It doesn’t matter who you are or what side of this conversation you are on, societal pressures and expectations affect the entire community. Perceptions and how we deal with confrontation can be inherited and studies have shown this is a learned behaviour. Harvard University has conducted extensive studies on the subject and includes the concept of how individual conflict styles contribute to a conversational outcome.

There is no one way to deal with conflict. There are many factors that shape a meaningful conversation vs an explosive confrontation. By making a conscious choice to remain free from judgement could be an opportunity to better understand and get to know someone more deeply.  An insight into their position and approaching the conversations with the view to strengthen rather than fracture a relationship this will allow you to build a respected reputation of next level professionalism.

Author: C Foster